All people will encounter difficulties in their relationship. It doesn’t matter how good or loving the relationship is when two or more people spend a lot of time in close proximity then struggles will arise.
Couples will generally find three methods of approach to the difficulties. Some will find a way to work through them in a way that it is positive. Some will experience the difficulties as too significant to continue in the relationship. And often couples will find themselves stuck and frustrated, not wanting to leave the relationship but getting more and more unhappy with the problems and not able to find a solution.
Difficulties might show up in the following ways:
- We keep having the same fights over and over
- We have grown distant
- Since the baby came we are struggling to reconnect
- Navigating a significant life transition such as retirement, illness, empty nest.
- There might have been an infidelity or betrayal
- You might feel your partner is controlling
- You might feel your partner isn’t there for you
- You might find it hard to be able to have conversations
- You might find expressing anger in a hurtful way
- You might wonder if you still are in love
- You might want more sex
- You might not want sex
- Sex might have turned boring and predictable
I offer couples and relationship counselling to all, inclusive of all gender, sexual, or relationship diversity.
Relationship therapy also can be helpful for non-romantic relationships such as siblings, parent/adult child, friends or business partners.
How does Couples Therapy approach relationship difficulties?
In couples therapy, I will take a neutral stance as a therapist. That means I am not looking for who is right or wrong or who is to blame. I am looking to uncover how each partner experiences the issues in the relationship and what each partner would like to gain from the process of couples therapy.
This means understanding how the couple experience their difficulties from each of their perspectives and also how they have been trying to solve the problems.
The aim of couples counselling is to develop an awareness of how difficulties are arising and how they are impacting the relationship. Awareness of the core of the issues allows the exploration of alternative, more effective approaches.
I commit to treating each member of the couple with respect and invite clients to bring an explorative, curious, open approach to understanding their relational dynamics.
What is my background in Couples Therapy?
I have been working with couples for over a decade. My core modalities are differentiation-based approaches, systemic family therapy, gestalt, and the developmental model.
I am committed to providing ethical and professional Relationship Therapy. In 2022 I started training psychotherapists in working with couples and in 2023 I set up The Institute of Couples Therapy, an organisation dedicated to ensuring that therapists are professionally qualified to work with relationship dynamics.
Click here for more information about what is involved in the couples therapy process.
What is involved in the process?
The first step in exploring if couples therapy is for you is to arrange a phone call with each partner. I will go through:
- Understanding briefly what is the issue that you want to work on
- Go through the presentations that are contra-indicated for couples therapy
- Go through the practical arrangements, times, costs, location, etc
Once we have done this pre-assessment I will email you the therapy contract and a questionnaire that I will ask you to fill out and return to me before the first session.
The first session will be an exploration for both you as the couple and myself as the therapist as to if we are a good fit. I will go through the boundaries of therapy and explain my approach to you. I will then invite you to share with me what has brought you to Couples Therapy.
I normally at some stage of the process do one or more sessions with each partner individually. The timing of this varies it might be early on or after a few months. I will discuss this with you as to when I feel it will be helpful.
How many sessions will be needed?
I like to be very upfront in saying that Couples Therapy can be deeply rewarding and also it is a challenging process that takes on average about 12 months. It may be a bit longer or a bit shorter than that but a year would be the average for a couple to create lasting change.
The sessions are 1.5 hours long and to start with it is good to try to have 4-8 weeks weekly, then we move to fortnightly and towards the end of the therapy it spaces out to a maintenance phase of about monthly (this can vary from couple to couple so we will discuss this in the first session). This is what is required to create lasting change in the relationship.
What is to be gained from Couples Therapy?
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives” – Esther Perel
By choosing to attend couples therapy you are investing in the most significant relationship currently in your life.
From this process, you will gain:
- A deeper understanding of yourself as a partner in this relationship.
- Awareness of what matters most to you in this relationship and ways to express that.
- More effective ways to communicate.
- A better understanding of where the relationship is getting stuck and what part you can play to get a more positive outcome.
- Ways to connect with your partner.
- More options to explore with your partner to resolve your differences.
This is not an exhaustive list. Some items will be more specific to your individual relationship.
My approach to couples therapy is non-directive which means that I do not have any vested interest in you staying together as a couple or separating. My approach does facilitate you to make those choices with more awareness of what has been impacting your relationship.
When I will not work with a Couple and Boundaries
As in all therapy, I take an ethical safety, first approach.
Presentations that are not suitable for couples therapy are as follows:
- An abusive relationship where safety is at risk.
When a relationship has been experiencing ongoing difficulties it can show up in abusive behaviours such as shouting, cursing, name-calling, slamming doors etc. This is something that we can work on in couples therapy if both partners are open to this. If you are afraid in your relationship and you are experiencing violence and/or controlling behaviours then Couples Therapy is contra indicated as it could result in an increased risk to your safety. If you are concerned about this please contact Womens Aid https://www.womensaid.ie or Men’s Aid https://www.mensaid.ie. - An ongoing untreated drug or alcohol addiction.
If this is present in your relationship then the partner(s) need to be in recovery to be able to be fully available for the work of couples therapy. - An ongoing untreated significant mental health issue.
This includes clinical depression, extreme anxiety such as OCD, psychosis, schizophrenia, and bipolar. Couples therapy is challenging work and if a client is having significant struggles within themselves it could potentially cause psychological harm. It is important to know that this is if the issues are untreated. If there is a significant mental health issue that is being treated and monitored then we can then do the work of Couples Therapy - An ongoing affair.
This relates to an affair where one partner is continuing to engage in an ongoing relationship outside of the partnership. This does not include an open relationship where this has been agreed - Where only one partner is willing to engage in the process.
Couples Therapy will not be effective if only one person is willing to engage. I do not work with this presentation and will terminate the therapy if this emerges. It is normal to feel that your partner is the one who is the problem and if they change then the problems will be fixed. The wish might be that the therapist will be able to get through to your partner as you have not been able to. Although this is understandable it doesn’t work that way. Even if you are furious with your partner you will be able to learn about yourself in the relationship dynamics and explore different ways of relating more effectively.
The boundaries of my practice are as follows:
- I work transparently thus if you are emailing me ensure you always copy your partner even if it is about an appointment change or receipt
- My work is completely confidential except for where there is a risk to safety. This includes harm to self or others or child protection. I undertake supervision where I discuss my work with another accredited supervisor. They are also bound by confidentiality.
- I facilitate a safe space for expression thus it is important that you conduct yourself respectfully. Emotions run high in Couples Therapy and that is to be expected and welcomed. However certain behaviours will not be tolerated in my therapy room these are shouting, name-calling, put-downs, and contempt. I will terminate therapy if you do not respect this boundary.
- Also, I welcome and encourage feedback. I feel honoured to be allowed into the deeply intimate space of a couple’s relationship. I tread carefully and respectfully. However, sometimes I tread on toes inadvertently so as part of open communication I encourage honest feedback to me which I will take onboard.
To make an appointment
If you wish to make an appointment please contact me at mail@karenmurphy.ie.
Karen Murphy
Turners Cross
Cork City
Email: mail@karenmurphy.ie